As some of you know, I am from a family with six children (seven, except my little brother, Robert Alexander, died shortly after birth). All my older siblings: my sister, Leslie (11 years older); and my brothers, John, 9 years older; Jim, 8 years older; and George, 3 years older; have died. The only sibling I have remaining is my younger brother, Sam, who is five years younger than I am. Alas, death has become familiar over these past years. John and Jim died of AIDS, George of cancer, and Leslie from complications related to a past head injury that manifested as Alzheimer’s.
Here are a few thoughts I have upon reflection:
1) You can live without people even if you don’t want to.
2) You can cope with loss even if you don’t want to.
3) You can not keep people here just because you aren’t ready for them to die.
4) You can feel grateful (and guilt-free) about appreciating the benefits of a short-lived illness versus long-suffering.
5) You are lucky if you get to have that one last conversation you were hoping to have.
6) You will survive if that conversation you hoped for doesn’t happen. You can discern from your many other conversations with that loved one that they loved you and they knew that you loved them back.
7) Any unresolved feelings/relationships can become resolved even after death since dealing with death and grieving helps you to gain perspective.
8) Having a few favorite objects of the loved one can bring great comfort.
9) Love transcends time and space.
10) The people you love are never far away; in fact, it can sometimes feel as if they’re standing right beside you.
11) Life is imperfect in terms of people, timelines, hopes and dreams.
12) Last Rites is a lovely and healing ritual.
13) Having the opportunity to serve as a “midwife” for your loved one’s transition from this life to the next is one of those experiences to be treasured.
14) Recognizing the essential nature of the circle of life can bring great comfort.
15) Birth and death are very similar in that you have no real control over either and time elongates during the wait.
16) Gratitude will serve you better than almost any other emotion.
17) Faith, hope and love are essential bedrocks when coping with loss.
18) You will have the comfort of dreaming about your loved ones at different times after they pass away.
19) You will sometimes think you see your loved one in a crowd of people, even though you know absolutely that they are now dead.
20) Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s 5 Stages of Grief are right on target.
This post is spurred by the recent deaths of two people in my large scope of friendships. I can see that my experiences have colored my perceptions and have brought some clarity to me about the death experience. I was very lucky in that I was able to be present for the deaths of two of my siblings; and in close contact for the deaths of the other two. Watching that shift from “here” to “there” is miraculous in itself.
20 Minutes a Day 
Bless you, what depth of loss you have suffered. I lost one sibling, he was 22 in a road accident and it remains a massive loss but as you have experienced a window for growth and understanding of life. I am so sorry for the loss and pain you have suffered. These words are priceless.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m sorry for the loss of your brother. Twenty-two – too young!
Nods yes.. but there is never a good time x
So sorry to hear about the loss of so many family members, Len. Your list is outstanding. Strange how a human can survive this kind of loss even though we know sooner or later we must die.
Yes, Tess, it is a wonder how life (and death) work. The human connection helps profoundly. Hugs to you.
Len, a beautiful message for all of us who suffer from loss and seek to find ways to cope and overcome the death of those we love.
Thank you, Donna. You hold such a special place in my heart because of our shared history, but also because of your loving kindness to Mom in her last days. I’m sure you miss Dorothy very much. I miss her, too!
Wow Len! I only knew about one. Of course writing my book was all about this as you know. The crazy thing is when I was writing it, none of the revelations you mention in your book were apparent to me. The real learning has come in the past couple of years when my PTSD came to a head and I was at a juncture of heal or die. It’s left me with…. another book to write! The healing continues, thanks for sharing.
Thanks, Flip. I am happy you have another book to write! That will be a pleasure to read and savor. Hugs to you.
So true about never a good time. Except, of course, when suffering is involved. Then the time feels right despite the sorrow.
Cousin Len, what a beautiful and insightful piece you have written on what seems to me to be almost insurmountable loss. You came by your bravery honestly, as I saw your mother face the loss of 2 sons with so much courage, plus the ‘sure and certain hope of the Resurrection’….I commend your wonderfully written tribute to the four who have gone before you….We are still “five” but my mind shies away from the thought of that number diminishing…Unrealistic of me? Certainly, and I am working on that….Blessings from Suzanne
Thanks, Suzanne. So sweet of you to take time to write. Hugs to all those lovely siblings of yours and to you as well.
Beautiful, I only knew one of your brothers, George and knew Sandra even better, but had hear of all of them. Barbara Ruffner
Yes, I loved Sandra, as well. Her death was a tough one for most of us who knew her.
I’m sorry to hear that you have had so much loss with siblings. I only knew about the one brother. My oldest brother died at age 41 of cancer. Your list is so true.
Thanks, Margie. Yes. I miss them!