I had a nice, long talk with my little brother Sam today. Sam is five years my junior, the same age as my husband, Ray, and lives in Nashville with his wife, Jaime. He and I are both busy, and sometimes it takes a while before we figure out a time to connect on the phone. Today was the day. Hooray.

Sam and I, besides being siblings, share experiences that have bonded us beyond “normal” sibling love. Those include, but are not limited to, losing our other four siblings long before they should have died, including our older sister, who, though 70, was otherwise healthy as a horse except for a traumatic brain injury from a bike accident that sent her slowly into dementia due to scarring on the brain. Our other siblings were John, 46, Jim, 50, and George, 54. Sam and I spent time at the end with everyone except John, who had moved to LA to be with our brother Jim, his best friend. We both saw John several times before he died, but with Jim, George, and Leslie, we were there at their bedsides as they were dying. We also did this with our mother, and Sam was there with our sister-in-law, Sandra.

You might say Sam and I have learned a few things about each other through these experiences:

We are calm when spending time with our loved ones as they are dying.
We are comfortable touching them and letting them know they are loved.
We appreciate the value and reverence of being present at such a sacred time.
We intuitively know that laughter and tears are natural parts of the passage process.

As you might imagine, serving as unofficial death doulas has stitched a connection between Sam and me that is hard to break.

So, it is a pleasure to talk with my little brother today about all that’s happening in our lives and in the lives of those closest to us. We respond to one another’s words with comfort and validation, and we steadfastly support one another as we move deeper into our life journeys. There’s a sense of safety and trust in what we share, and those intimate moments of presence during the dying of loved ones have forged a bond that keeps us connected, even when too much time passes between phone calls.

Thanks, Sam, for being one of my soul buddies in this life. Knowing you are here—and that we can talk—brings me great solace.

Thanks, little brother, for being exactly who you are: present, focused, and loving.

Here Sam and I are in Sicily in October 2024