Over the past few days, I’ve spoken with several people who are carrying heavy emotional loads. One is a parent, deeply worried about an adult child in serious trouble. Another is a friend, watching helplessly as someone close to them faces a terminal illness. In both cases, the operative word is worry.

Worry, by definition, means “giving way to anxiety or unease.” And when we’re dealing with situations far beyond our control, that feeling can take over. It’s human nature to want to fix what’s broken, to step in, roll up our sleeves, and make things right. Who wouldn’t want to relieve the suffering of someone they love?

But here’s the rub: life often presents us with problems we simply can’t fix. In both of the cases I mentioned, the people who are hurting—deeply and sincerely—don’t have the power to make things okay again. Their concern is real. Their love is deep. But the problems are out of their hands. In one situation, the complexity is overwhelming; in the other, the outcome is inevitable. The friend who is dying is not going to be cured simply because someone wishes it with all their heart.

In Al-Anon, a program I’ve attended in the past as someone from an alcoholic family, one of the first things you learn is how hard it is to stay off the proverbial white horse—to resist the urge to charge in and try to save the day. One of Al-Anon’s most powerful tools is the 3 C’s:

I didn’t cause it. I can’t control it. I can’t cure it.

Those three truths are an invitation to step back, to hand over the reins to a Higher Power—whatever that means to you: God, the Universe, Nature, or something else entirely. The 3 C’s don’t just apply to addiction—they apply to any situation where we are powerless over someone else’s pain or choices.

At this point in my life, I need to revisit the 3 C’s more than I care to admit. I still find myself reaching for the saddle, ready to gallop into someone else’s battle. I still sometimes believe I have answers that others haven’t thought of. But I know better now. That kind of thinking isn’t just unhelpful—it’s what Al-Anon calls codependency. It distracts from my own inner work and often leaves the other person feeling disempowered or controlled.

I know that slogans and aphorisms can sound trite or overused. But like any good proverb, the best ones stick around for a reason. Al-Anon’s wisdom, hard-earned by people just like me, has helped me shift my perspective time and again. These short phrases serve as anchors when the waters of worry start to rise. They help me surrender control, trust in the process, and believe in the resilience of others.

So, for anyone facing an unfixable situation, here are a few phrases from Al-Anon that have served me well over the years. May they offer you—or someone you love—a measure of comfort and clarity.

TOP 10 AL-ANON SAYINGS TO KEEP IN YOUR POCKET

THINK: Is it Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, Kind?
Before speaking, pause. Patience isn’t about willpower—it’s about letting go of the need to control.

HALT: Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired?
These four states leave us vulnerable to emotional overreaction. Check in with yourself.

FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real
Instead of asking “What if?” focus on “What is.” Don’t project; stay present. Live one day at a time.

HOPE: Happy Our Program Exists
The first gift of Al-Anon is hope. Just being around others who’ve made it through brings strength.

NUTS: Not Using The Steps
When I engage with the 12 Steps, new insight and spiritual clarity often emerge.

DETACH: Don’t Even Think About Changing Him/Her
Help best by stepping back. Their life is their responsibility—just as mine is mine.

HOW: Honest, Open, Willing
These are the essentials for spiritual and emotional growth.

STEPS: Solutions To Every Problem
If I’m feeling stuck, maybe I’m standing in my own way. The Steps offer a path through darkness.

QTIP: Quit Taking It Personally
People’s reactions, especially when they’re in pain, often have little to do with us.

LOVE: Let Others Voluntarily Evolve
As Thomas Merton wisely said: “The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves.”

We can care deeply. We can walk beside those we love. But we cannot—must not—carry their burdens for them. That is the difference between love and over-responsibility. Between support and control. Between healing and harm.

May we all remember the 3 C’s the next time the white horse trots up beside us.

Happy Thursday.