I have a long fuse, but once it burns out—watch out. Just ask my husband. I’m calm and forgiving up to a point, and then—bam! I go straight to mad. And not just irritated, but (as we say in Texas) pure-D angry. I’m working on not being such a hothead, but it comes pretty naturally. I grew up with four brothers who loved nothing more than teasing and tormenting me until I’d come flying through the air in a full-on physical attack. Then we’d wrestle around on the floor—something they considered a fun time—until one of us got tired and cried “calf rope.” (Is that phrase used outside of Texas?)

Marrying a man who also enjoys teasing probably didn’t help matters. Ray finds it funny when I get mad. He’ll poke and prod until I hurl a few swear words and storm out of the room. Ten minutes later, he’s usually standing in the doorway, chuckling.

Not long ago, Ray told me he appreciates that I stand my ground and don’t fold when he loses his temper. His fuse is shorter than mine, and he can be loud, but I learned early on that once he vents, he’s over it. I suspect we’ve scared a few people who’ve overheard our arguments—they’re not unlike our corgi and terrier when they get crosswise. The terrier is the one who snaps and attacks (that’s me), while the corgi—the instigator—climbs onto her back and waits patiently for her to calm down. Then Cordi licks Frankie’s ears like nothing ever happened. Sound familiar?

Recently, we took the Enneagram personality test and both came out as Type 8s—the Challenger. Apparently, we’re “energetic, passionate, and comfortable with anger,” and we tend to view conflict more as connection than harm. As strange as that might sound, I think it’s a fair assessment.

Still, I’m working on not jumping straight to mad. A calmer life feels like a better life. And after almost 45 years of marriage, I often understand what’s behind Ray’s irritation. But breaking old habits takes effort. I have to consciously pause before reacting.

That said, I’m proud of one solid improvement: I no longer go airborne. At some point, we both agreed that me jumping on Ray’s back wasn’t the healthiest conflict resolution strategy.

Who says I can’t grow?